(This happened around 2001-2002)
I am a parent and my teenage son has just turned 16 years of age. He has just passed his written driving exam. I have an old car - a 1992 BMW coupe that has around 180,000 miles on it. I want him to have it but he refused and told me that he does not like the car because it was too old but he still wants to get a driver's license because he wants to learn how to drive. I told him that if he doesn't take the car, then you don't need a driver license and I ended up not signing any release forms for him. He ended up not learning how to drive until he was 22. I want to know if my decision to force him to take the car was a bad decision. I want to know if it was better to let him learn when he was younger and not force him to take that car. Was i being an obdurate parent?

Please help.

Ross, I am unclear. Is your son currently 16 or 22?

Personally, I don't understand why you did what you did. My brother, sister and I all got our licenses at 16 and none of us had a car at the time. In fact, I didn't buy my first car until I was 22, but I was driving long before then.

Perhaps you were angry and felt he was being ungrateful for not wanting the car, thus your decision to deny the license. ?? That's my guess. I would be upset too, because at 16 I would have loved any car and not cared if it was old, especially a BMW! LOL! That said, I still don't think that was a good enough reason not to let him get his license at the time.

When I turned 16, I was given an old piece of junk Isuzu PUP with 100,000+ miles on it. When I turned 18, my parents helped me buy a 1993 Cavalier with 56,000 miles on it. I drove that all through college. I agree with Trina...I would've killed for a BMW, regardless of the miles on it.

When I turned 16, I was given an old piece of junk Isuzu PUP with 100,000+ miles on it. When I turned 18, my parents helped me buy a 1993 Cavalier with 56,000 miles on it. I drove that all through college. I agree with Trina...I would've killed for a BMW, regardless of the miles on it.

At least you had a car. LOL! My parents refused to buy or give us cars. They thought that was our own responsibility. I couldn't afford one until I finished college, and that was a beater.

Any how, my Dad's reasoning for letting us get our licenses at 16 was because his insurance rates went up regardless whether we had a car or not. If he had to pay more $ we were at least going to get our license. We took turns driving the family car and I borrowed friend's cars when necessary. I was also often the designated driver during my college years. I'm thankful I had my license even though I had no car.

same here Trina. In my house the rule was no license until you could afford your own insurance. So you had to have a job. My parents also had their own bussiness at the time and they had us workign there and paid us well, so there was no reason to not have the money.

For the OP, I am not sure why you did what you did either. Unless he was just ungrateful to the point he refused to drive any car unless you bought him what he wanted, then I could see it.

I think I would have let him go ahead and get his licence but made him buy is own car if he didn't want the one that was offered to him

My son is now 23 years old. This happened back in 2001-2002.

At the time, it seemed like it was the right thing to do. I thought that he was a spoiled brat and was being ungrateful to what I had to offer him, so that's why i did what I did and yes I was angry. I mean, any other 16 year olds would take ANY CAR!! And this was a BMW (1990-1992 with 180,000 miles on it), but not my child because he thought that it was not good enough for him. I have never seen a kid who only wanted to learn how to drive and not want a car!! I consulted with my parents and my friends and they, too, thought that he was being a spoiled brat and ungrateful. So at the time, it seemed like it was the right thing to do.

Secondly, I thought that maybe he will change his mind later after seeing his friends driving their cars, but he did not change his mind. He told me that he believes that learning how to drive was much more important than owning a car (and he doesn't want this car).

I'm going to tell you what happened next. After he turned 16, my car insurance went up, and he still did not drive. About 2 years later, my wife wrecked it and the car became worthless. He was very angry that I tried to force him to take it. He felt that I was being a stubborn parent, but I did what i did because I thought it was best for my child. I wanted him to learn how to drive AND have a car - he saw it differently.

There were many decisions like this that I have made because I thought it was best for my child. I would like all who reads this to comment on it.
When he was in high school, he decided that lunch was not important and he took a course instead of taking lunch. He said that his teachers allow students to eat in class (during lunch time - 5th-6th period). I thought that it was important for him to have lunch period, so I spoke with his counselor and told him to drop a course (an honors course) so that he could have lunch - against his will. I thought that he would thank me later for doing so, but he did not.
Was this a good decision?

When he was 17, he wanted to apply to a college that he wanted to go to. However, my wife and I wanted him to attend another university closer to home, yet still a very prestigious school. My wife and I were responsible for all costs for him (tuition, rent, books, food, etc), so I felt that we should have a say in where he should go to college. The university that he wanted to apply to was 8 hours away, while the one that i want him to go was only one hour away. My wife and I did not think that he could take care of himself, so we only allowed him to apply for the college that we wanted him to go to. He ended up going to the college that I wanted him to go, but he was very angry that I did so, because the school that he wanted to attend was more prestigious (my wife and I paid for everything though).
Was it a good decision?

Ross, my kids aren't teens yet, but I do know that as parents we are always second guessing ourselves. Short of abuse, there are no right or wrong parenting answers. Unfortunately, babies don't come with instruction manuals so we are forced to listen to our instincts and do what we think is best at the time. One decision or approach may work well for one child but not for another, even within the same family.

Your son sounds strong willed. Although my youngest is only 10, she is very strong willed and hates for us to make outright decisions for her. Doing so turns into a power struggle. She becomes angry and turns against us. We find it's much more productive with her to be creative and allow her to be part of the decision process. More often than not, if she is included in on all the details, etc. she tends to lean our way. Sometimes we are surprised to realize that her reasons for her decisions are well thought out and better than our POV. LOL!

Since you and your wife paid for your DS's college education you definitely had a say in what school, however, since your son's education directly effects his life and future, I think he should have had a say, too. If you had approached the decision as a team effort, he may not have been so bitter. At this point, that's all water under the bridge, but I would want to improve the relationship with my son if I were in your shoes. Talk with him and tell him you are questioning your decision and that you're sorry you didn't allow him to take part. Then back off and allow him to be an adult and make his own decisions from here on. Offer support and advice, but only if he asks.

Has he graduated college? Is he still living at home?

I didn't get my drivers licence until I was 21. My mother gave me a car before I had a drivers licence as a hint. I didn't get one because I didn't have a need.

Thank you for your reply, Trina.

I'm afraid that it's too late to improve the relationship. My only son (and only child) has left my wife and I. The reason I'm here on this forum is to find out what went wrong. I am no longer a parent. After he graduated from college, we no longer heard from him.

Anyhow, the reason why I didn't let him get a license was due to the fact that I thought he would change his mind after seeing his friends with cars. But he didn't. He held his ground to the very end. And yes, I thought he was ungrateful and stupid not to take the BMW, but to him it was more important to learn how to drive. At the time, I was very angry, so that's why I told him that if he doesn't take the car then he doesn't need a license. After his freshmen year in college, he came home for the summer. He still did not change his mind. I point-blank told him that I have never seen a kid who only wanted a driver license and not a car.

About college, he ended up going to the college that we wanted him to attend. We thought that he would come home and visit us once in a while since the university was only about an hour away from home, unlike the one he wanted to attend, which was 8 hours away. But he didn't, and throughout college, we only saw him no more than 2-3 times per year. And yes, we paid for everything.

I want to know more about the other decisions what I have made. Please give me your two cents (there are many more). What did you think about my decision to force him to take lunch instead of a class?

When he was 17, he wanted to apply to a college that he wanted to go to. However, my wife and I wanted him to attend another university closer to home, yet still a very prestigious school. My wife and I were responsible for all costs for him (tuition, rent, books, food, etc), so I felt that we should have a say in where he should go to college. The university that he wanted to apply to was 8 hours away, while the one that i want him to go was only one hour away. My wife and I did not think that he could take care of himself, so we only allowed him to apply for the college that we wanted him to go to. He ended up going to the college that I wanted him to go, but he was very angry that I did so, because the school that he wanted to attend was more prestigious (my wife and I paid for everything though).
Was it a good decision?

at 17, I think the first priority is that he be allowed to make his own discussions, even if they are wrong. Kids learn a lot things by having the freedom to make bad choices. Of course we aren't talking about being allowed to jump out of a airplane without a parachute. If you do not agree with his discussion that you beleive are bad you don't have to invest your time/money. I firmly believe choosing a college should be the student's decision, not the parents. Parents should help their children make a the right decision that is right for the child. Forcing a child to go to a college that is not right for them, is more than likely to backfire.

It's never too late, and you and your wife will never cease being parents. He has left the nest and is out on his own. That's what's supposed to happen. When I was in college I didn't go home to visit often, and even less so after graduation. The biggest reasons being lack of $ and reliable transportation, but also because my parents were very strict and I disliked having to be under their thumbs, even for a visit. I loved my freedom too much. I did keep in touch though, and called them at least once a month. Does your son keep in contact? Do you have contact info for him?

As far as the lunch issue in high school, I also think a lunch period would be preferable, but if your DS was allowed to eat lunch in class and really wanted to take another course, I would have allowed it, as long as his grades didn't suffer. At the very least, I think it would have been better to include him in on the decision as opposed to dropping the course without his consent.

There were many decisions like this that I have made because I thought it was best for my child. I would like all who reads this to comment on it.

When he was in high school, he decided that lunch was not important and he took a course instead of taking lunch. He said that his teachers allow students to eat in class (during lunch time - 5th-6th period). I thought that it was important for him to have lunch period, so I spoke with his counselor and told him to drop a course (an honors course) so that he could have lunch - against his will. I thought that he would thank me later for doing so, but he did not.

Was this a good decision?

Ross, at the time why did you think it was more important for him to have a lunch periiod since he could eat in a honors class?

Ross, at the time why did you think it was more important for him to have a lunch periiod since he could eat in a honors class?
Neal,
I thought that he would be taking too many courses (8 courses total without lunch) and therefore his grades would suffer because of overloading himself. He was also very active in school, he had memberships in many clubs and held leadership positions in some of them. He was also in academic teams which competed with other schools. Everyday, he usually came home around 4 o'clock because of his extracurricular activities. I didn't want to take chances so I decided that it would be best if he take a lunch. I didn't want him to eat during his classes (wouldn't that be annoying to teachers?), although such activity was allowed. He told me that he needed to take it because he wanted to make national honor society for his senior year (there was a GPA requirement). Unfortunately, he did not make it during his senior year. Yes, he was very bitter about that, too.

It's never too late, and you and your wife will never cease being parents. He has left the nest and is out on his own. That's what's supposed to happen. When I was in college I didn't go home to visit often, and even less so after graduation. The biggest reasons being lack of $ and reliable transportation, but also because my parents were very strict and I disliked having to be under their thumbs, even for a visit. I loved my freedom too much. I did keep in touch though, and called them at least once a month. Does your son keep in contact? Do you have contact info for him?

As far as the lunch issue in high school, I also think a lunch period would be preferable, but if your DS was allowed to eat lunch in class and really wanted to take another course, I would have allowed it, as long as his grades didn't suffer. At the very least, I think it would have been better to include him in on the decision as opposed to dropping the course without his consent.
Trina,
It is really too late for us. Many things happened after he left for college that made us reconsider our decisions that we made for him. Every time we saw him, we realized that he did not want to see us - even when it was his birthday. He did not attend Thanksgivings dinners since he was 19, and did not speak to any other members of the family since he was 21. He never again attended family gatherings. One time, we had to lie to get his keys from his landlord (we were paying for his rent after all), so that we could see him. He was there, but he didn't say much to us and he changed the locks after that visit. He changed his phone number and we have no way of contacting him.

My wife once went to see him last year (and for the last time) and he called the cops on her, threatening to file a restraining order. That's how we knew that we are no longer parents and that he wanted us out of his life. He was our only child. I hope you won't face the same fate as us in the future.

There are still many decisions I'd like your opinion on, which I will post later.

Thank you.

Maybe he was overloaded, but I think parents that over protect their children from making commom mistakes only delay that mistake from happening. Better to allow a child to make common teenage mistakes than create a developmental delay and, for example, are in college making a mistake that would have been otherwise made years earlier. Not all pain and struggles are bad. Some things can only be learned by having a experience, if a parents block a child from having valuable experiences, its not helping them learn how to manage their life on their own.

if you really felt it was too late, you wouldn't be worried over what you did or didn't do right. There is always room for apologies if they are warrented. Nothing we say is going to determine that for you.

Ross, I still don't think it's too late. My older brother and my parents went through something similiar. My parents forced him to go to the college of their choice and even picked his major. My brother fought it, but still went to try to please Dad. He hated it, dropped out and then distanced himself from my parents for 5 years. It was a tough time for the family. I met him on the sly to keep in touch. He finally came around but their relationship was still touch and go. My parents, more so Dad, still tried to tell him how to live his life and made things quite clear if they disapproved of what he was doing, thus pushing him away again. About ten years ago they finally made amends and now have a friendly relationship. Not close, but at least friendly and civil.

THANKFULLY my parents loosened up a little by the time I had graduated high school and then more so for my younger sister.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds as if you and your wife were (are?) very controlling and your DS wants nothing to do with it any longer. I have to admit I was shocked when you posted that you lied to his landlord to get the key to his apartment. Just because you were paying the rent does not give you the right to rudely invade his privacy. (Why were you paying his rent??) I would have changed the locks, too.

Ross, I still don't think it's too late. My older brother and my parents went through something similiar. My parents forced him to go to the college of their choice and even picked his major. My brother fought it, but still went to try to please Dad. He hated it, dropped out and then distanced himself from my parents for 5 years. It was a tough time for the family. I met him on the sly to keep in touch. He finally came around but their relationship was still touch and go. My parents, more so Dad, still tried to tell him how to live his life and made things quite clear if they disapproved of what he was doing, thus pushing him away again. About ten years ago they finally made amends and now have a friendly relationship. Not close, but at least friendly and civil.

THANKFULLY my parents loosened up a little by the time I had graduated high school and then more so for my younger sister.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds as if you and your wife were (are?) very controlling and your DS wants nothing to do with it any longer. I have to admit I was shocked when you posted that you lied to his landlord to get the key to his apartment. Just because you were paying the rent does not give you the right to rudely invade his privacy. (Why were you paying his rent??) I would have changed the locks, too.
Trina,
This was about 2 years ago - we were still responsible for him as we were paying for his education and his rent. He was not answering any calls - there was no way of contacting him. He just didn't want to see us and we wanted answers. He was supposed to be graduating that year and we wanted to know if he was - it turned out that he had to take another term to complete. We did that because we wanted to be there to see our son graduate, and since we paid for his education and his rent, we wanted some answers. During the time he was in college, he did not call or write to us - with few exceptions. We were worried. His graduation was very important to my wife since none of her family members graduated from college and our son was to be the first. She wanted this very much and that's why she was the one who paid for the majority of his educational costs - I was only responsible partially. He was not talking to any of our family members. But all in all, we wanted to know if he was graduating so we can be there to see it, especially my wife.

Unfortunately, we did not get to see him graduate. He did not invite us to his graduation.

- Ross

I don't blame you for wanting to attend his graduation. For some reason he has shut out his family. How frustrating and heart breaking! I hope you're all able to make amends in the future.

Ross, I still don't think it's too late. My older brother and my parents went through something similiar. My parents forced him to go to the college of their choice and even picked his major. My brother fought it, but still went to try to please Dad. He hated it, dropped out and then distanced himself from my parents for 5 years. It was a tough time for the family. I met him on the sly to keep in touch. He finally came around but their relationship was still touch and go. My parents, more so Dad, still tried to tell him how to live his life and made things quite clear if they disapproved of what he was doing, thus pushing him away again. About ten years ago they finally made amends and now have a friendly relationship. Not close, but at least friendly and civil.

THANKFULLY my parents loosened up a little by the time I had graduated high school and then more so for my younger sister.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds as if you and your wife were (are?) very controlling and your DS wants nothing to do with it any longer. I have to admit I was shocked when you posted that you lied to his landlord to get the key to his apartment. Just because you were paying the rent does not give you the right to rudely invade his privacy. (Why were you paying his rent??) I would have changed the locks, too.
Trina,
By far, I found your posts most helpful. There are many other decisions I'd like you to give me your two cents on. I feel that your opinion on these matters are most reasonable and true. Please also consider that he was our only child.

During his teenage years, there was a point where he wanted to be a vegetarian. My wife and I were not able to convince him to eat meat. He was underweight and we were afraid that his health would suffer. So we forced him to eat meat because we thought that it would be better in the long run for him.

During his junior year in high school, he had an appointment to take his senior photo. We bought a suit jacket for him, thinking that he wanted to look nice for his senior picture. As it turned out, he did not want to wear the suit jacket. We were not paying for the service at the time (it was to be paid through buying his yearbook). We argued for a long time and it got to the point where he was yelling at us at the top of his lung - and he wouldn't stop yelling. His argument being that we were not responsible for the payment of his picture and he did not request to wear the jacket or did he ask for it. In the end, he missed his appointment.

I don't understand the logic. I got my license at 16, and didn't get a car of my own until I was graduating college....before that, I used one of the family cars for transportation.


When he was in high school, he decided that lunch was not important and he took a course instead of taking lunch. He said that his teachers allow students to eat in class (during lunch time - 5th-6th period). I thought that it was important for him to have lunch period, so I spoke with his counselor and told him to drop a course (an honors course) so that he could have lunch - against his will. I thought that he would thank me later for doing so, but he did not.
Was this a good decision?

Not a decision I would have made. If he was doing well in all of his classes..which he must have been, to qualify for an honors class...and he could eat in class, then what was the purpose of denying him a chance to get even more education out of his HS years? It's not as though he were going to go for days without food or something.


When he was 17, he wanted to apply to a college that he wanted to go to. However, my wife and I wanted him to attend another university closer to home, yet still a very prestigious school. My wife and I were responsible for all costs for him (tuition, rent, books, food, etc), so I felt that we should have a say in where he should go to college. The university that he wanted to apply to was 8 hours away, while the one that i want him to go was only one hour away. My wife and I did not think that he could take care of himself, so we only allowed him to apply for the college that we wanted him to go to. He ended up going to the college that I wanted him to go, but he was very angry that I did so, because the school that he wanted to attend was more prestigious (my wife and I paid for everything though).
Was it a good decision?

That depends. Could you have afforded to send him to the school he preferred? Did he have good, logical reasons for wanting to go there, or was it just that it was "more prestigious"? He was on the verge of being an adult, and this decision was one that could have a major impact on his future. I think that he should have been allowed to make it, or at least to have more input into it.


Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds as if you and your wife were (are?) very controlling and your DS wants nothing to do with it any longer. I have to admit I was shocked when you posted that you lied to his landlord to get the key to his apartment. Just because you were paying the rent does not give you the right to rudely invade his privacy. (Why were you paying his rent??) I would have changed the locks, too.

I completely agree with Trina....


During his teenage years, there was a point where he wanted to be a vegetarian. My wife and I were not able to convince him to eat meat. He was underweight and we were afraid that his health would suffer. So we forced him to eat meat because we thought that it would be better in the long run for him.

My now 18 yr old went vegetarian two years ago. We have found other ways to make sure she gets the right amount of protein and other nutrients in her diet. It does NOT require meat, but it DOES require a willingness to educate yourself and possibly fix a separate meal for the vegetarian.


During his junior year in high school, he had an appointment to take his senior photo. We bought a suit jacket for him, thinking that he wanted to look nice for his senior picture. As it turned out, he did not want to wear the suit jacket. We were not paying for the service at the time (it was to be paid through buying his yearbook). We argued for a long time and it got to the point where he was yelling at us at the top of his lung - and he wouldn't stop yelling. His argument being that we were not responsible for the payment of his picture and he did not request to wear the jacket or did he ask for it. In the end, he missed his appointment.

Again, I see WAY too much control of someone who was nearly an adult and should have been allowed to make this kind of decision on his own. If a jacket was not required for the photo session, then it should have been his choice as to whether or not he wanted one. My son's senior photo for the yearbook (btw, he's also 22) was in a shirt and tie, but no jacket. It just wouldn't have been him if he'd been wearing a jacket...the only times I saw him in one were for junior and senior prom. LOL

Unfortunately, we did not get to see him graduate. He did not invite us to his graduation.

- Ross


Ross, that is unfortunate. Why wouldn't he invite his family?

Ross, I agree with Teresa on all issues.

I also agree with Teresa

Ross, that is unfortunate. Why wouldn't he invite his family?
Neal,
We don't know exactly, Neal, maybe it was out of revenge for what happened throughout those years.

It is possible he is toying with you for reasons you can only speculate about.

It is possible he is toying with you for reasons you can only speculate about.
Neal,
We were upset, really upset. It meant a lot to my wife, since none of her family members graduated from college, and she wanted to see him graduate more than anyone. In addition, my wife paid for most of his education/expenses, and i was only responsible partially.
- Ross

This is similar to another parenting problem I read about a year ago, the guy's alias was something like Tompa. It wasn't here though, it was in another forum.

Ross - I have to be honest, I feel like I'm missing information here. I'm not sure why, but I feel as if some of the whole story is being left out. Are there deeper issues here than what is being told to us that is causing the conflict between you and your son? When and how did this all begin?

You certainly don't have to share details if you choose not to, but the more info we have the more we can help.

Ross - I have to be honest, I feel like I'm missing information here. I'm not sure why, but I feel as if some of the whole story is being left out. Are there deeper issues here than what is being told to us that is causing the conflict between you and your son? When and how did this all begin?

You certainly don't have to share details if you choose not to, but the more info we have the more we can help.
Deeper issues? You might be right. I'll try my best to tell you all the details - what else would you like to know?
- Ross

Well for example...how far back do these issues go with conflict between you and your son?

Some people have eluded to you being far too controlling over your son...has this been an issue with you? And if so, what does that stem from?

Well for example...how far back do these issues go with conflict between you and your son?

Some people have eluded to you being far too controlling over your son...has this been an issue with you? And if so, what does that stem from?
I am not his actual father, I am his step-father. His mother and I got married when he was about 8 years old. We did not raise him personally. He was raised by a nanny and her family for 12 years. We brought him into our care when he turned 12 (he was living at the different country). At the beginning, the relationship seemed ok, but as time goes on, we realized our differences. Perhaps he did not accept me as his father, and as for his mother, she did not raise him. I don't think that he respected us as parents, and perhaps that where it all stemed from.
- Ross

Aaaaahhhh. Now it's starting to make sense. So (if you don't mind me asking), why was he raised by a nanny for 12 years? Was his mother out of the picture during that time as well?

Where, may I ask, was his father during the first 12 years, and why was he raised by a nanny and her family, rather than by either of his parents...and in another country from where his mother lived, to boot? Did she have any contact and/or visits with him at all during those 12 years, or just bring him into your lives at the age of 12 and expect him to be the child you and she wanted him to be, completely ignoring the person he had already become?

Aaaaahhhh. Now it's starting to make sense. So (if you don't mind me asking), why was he raised by a nanny for 12 years? Was his mother out of the picture during that time as well?
He was not living in the United States for the first 12 years of his life. He was living in another country. His mother and biological father were not married - his father left him when he was little (although he came back when my son was 7 or so). His mother did not have the time to raise him, so she decided to hire a nanny. She rarely saw him - I was told only a few times a year, with a few phone calls. I met his mother when he was about 7-8, the first time i saw him we went out to dinner. I bought him many things, but to be honest, I did it to please my wife. My wife also bought him many things, like I said, she rarely saw him.

I never had a child until he came into my life, and also, I was not sure whether I wanted a child before (I didn't think I'll ever have one). Most of the decisions that was made on his behalf (or forced upon him) were greatly influenced by my wife. I tried to be his father.

What would you have done?

- Ross

So he spent years knowing that his parents didn't want him/didn't have time for him...and then suddenly, at age 12, was thrust into a situation with his mother and stepfather telling him basically what to do and when to do it.....and you wonder why he wants nothing to do with you now? I'd say it's pretty obvious....but I'll shut up before I get myself in trouble here.

Well, I'm not sure what I would've done in that situation, but I can tell you that your wife made a choice of something over a relationship with her son. That's her biggest mistake. I think we can all see where the resistance to yours and your wife's involvement in his life is stemming from. Quite frankly, I can't blame him. He's bitter, he's angry, he's upset, he feels betrayed and rejected...all of this is a perfectly normal reaction.

If you and your wife want to mend a relationship with him, start now. It's never too late. But don't blame him at all for his actions...this may be very harsh, but you and your wife need to blame yourselves. He's rejecting you two because he was rejected himself.

I'm sorry Ross for putting it so bluntly, and I hope that you can salvage a relationship with him. I hope and pray that he is doing well and getting counseling and support for the damage that's been done to him.

Where, may I ask, was his father during the first 12 years, and why was he raised by a nanny and her family, rather than by either of his parents...and in another country from where his mother lived, to boot? Did she have any contact and/or visits with him at all during those 12 years, or just bring him into your lives at the age of 12 and expect him to be the child you and she wanted him to be, completely ignoring the person he had already become?
His father was a conman. For a few years, he was working for a company, but then he embezzled their money and ran away - he was a gambling addict. That's why he left his child to my wife's care. He did come back, but my son was already 7-8. His biological father did come clean, and stopped his gambling habits. I heard that he now has two daughters (which would make them my son's half sisters). I have only met him a few times, but I've never spoken with him.

He also tried to be a father. It must have been strange for a child to not have a father for the first 7-8 years of his life.

However, my wife was against the idea from the beginning. So, she did anything that was possible to distance her son from his biological father. He also felt that he was wrong for his biological father to leave him when he was a child, so he did not feel like he was losing a father.

I was happy that I had someone called me dad, and yes, I did love him even though he was a stubborn child. I really tried to be his father.

- Ross

Your wife was trying to distance her son from his father...fine, I get that. But why would she then turn around and abandon her son as well? I don't care what excuse she has for that...money, job, whatever... this kid is now paying the price for the pain the he was caused.

Your wife was trying to distance her son from his father...fine, I get that. But why would she then turn around and abandon her son as well? I don't care what excuse she has for that...money, job, whatever... this kid is now paying the price for the pain the he was caused.
She didn't have a choice. She had to put food on the table. Also, she was very young when she had him - she was only 22 without higher education (in fact she did not receive good education). There was no one else in her family who would take care of her or her child, so what she did was best, in my eyes. It was just her and her son, no one else. His father left him, no family members would help. What were her other choices?

Leave him in the garbage or give him away? No, she chose to keep him.

- Ross

There's 24 hours in the day Ross...she wasn't working all 24 of them. If she wanted to make time for him she would have. There's no excuse EVER to abandon a child. I have to work too...most of us do. Most of us balance our career with our children.

She didn't have a choice. She had to put food on the table. Also, she was very young when she had him - she was only 22 without higher education (in fact she did not receive good education). There was no one else in her family who would take care of her or her child, so what she did was best, in my eyes. It was just her and her son, no one else. His father left him, no family members would help. What were her other choices?

Leave him in the garbage or give him away? No, she chose to keep him.

- Ross
No, she chose to let someone else raise him while she was in an entirely different country. If she could afford a NANNY for him, then why didn't she have him with her, and have a nanny where she lived?

No, she chose to let someone else raise him while she was in an entirely different country. If she could afford a NANNY for him, then why didn't she have him with her, and have a nanny where she lived?

I totally agree. There are many single parents who work and put their kids in daycare, but they live with and raise their own kids.

My oldest is now 12. I couldn't imagine just taking him into my care now and being away from him all those years and missing all those bonding moments and milestones. It's no wonder your DS doesn't treat you as if you are his parents. I would imagine he feels that bond with the nanny and her family.

I agree with everyone else. Your wife made a selfish decision in my eyes. My child is MY child, I would live in a cardboard box with her before giving her away not to be seen for a few years at a time. The thought of her in daycare sucks, but I would gladly do it over any other options. Your son was abandoned by this woman who was his biological mother, not his emotional mother. I bet the nanny was more of a mom then anything else. Kids don't care about money and gifts, sure its great and they love them, but you better bet they will go with stability and trust over a new bike anyday.

No, she chose to let someone else raise him while she was in an entirely different country. If she could afford a NANNY for him, then why didn't she have him with her, and have a nanny where she lived?
No, at the time, she was still living in the same country. It's different where she came from. Hiring a nanny was affordable (payment was made on a monthly basis), but daycare was not (only the rich could afford daycare). She literally worked FOR him. This might not seem like a good reason to leave your child, but at least she came and visited him once in a while and provided for him. She did not leave him in another's care because she wanted to - this was done due to the necessity at the time. I don't think she imagined that he would stay with his nanny until he was 12, but he became attached to her and her family. Like I said, she had odds and ends jobs (working days and nights), my wife was only 22 with barely any education. No family members were willing to help her. She only had herself and few friends.

I met his mother when he was about 6 or so. She and I married when was 8-9 (that's when she came to the United States). His biological father refused to sign the papers that would give us the custodian rights to bring him here. I don't know why, but his biological father must have regretted leaving him in the beginning. We went to court and we obtained the rights to the custody of the child. It took us a while to get the papers to bring him to the US. He was 10 years old then. However, his mother asked him if he wanted to come then, but he wanted to finish 6th grade first and we respected his wish. We waited until he was ready. Just a little note, it was a better choice to bring him here - he has a much better life and future here.

We asked him if he was happy with his nanny, and he said yes. He also thought that his mother made the right choice by leaving him to another's care, given the situation. Even though this was said, I don't think he sees his mother as his mother. In addition, we asked him about our decision to bring him to the US, and he said that he was very happy living and being here. In fact, our son became a US citizen when he turned 20. He was very proud of it.

My wife did what she had to do. She allowed another family who knows how to take care of him. I would not want to leave my child to another's care, either, unless it was out of necessity.

I don't think he ever realized how much we cared for him. As for him, it must have been painful to grow up without a real mother or a father figure - and that's what we tried to do when he arrived here.

What could I have done?

- Ross

I'm jumping in late but regarding the car; making him wait till he was 22 to get a license just because he didn't want the BMW was not a good decision in my opinion. I doubt he developed any problems with how to drive by waiting but it obviously caused problems emotionally and that is hard to repair. I knew a few people that weren't allowed to get their licenses until they were 18 and they all despised their parents over that decision. What surprises me is that you had any say after he turned 18. Isn't that something he could have easily applied for not needing your approval once he became an adult? He wasn't living with you (since he was at college) and expenses paid or not the DMV doesn't look at that. I must be missing something.

As for his current resentment, I can understand this and I too think he will come around. I have siblings that could not wait to get out of my parents house that when they were old enough they just left. It broke my parents hearts but a few years later my siblings agreed that living with mom and dad was not all that bad. Even I respected my parents more when I had the time to live on my own and see what life was like without them. It may take a few more years but there is always a possibility that he will come back, even for an occasional visit.

In regards to the other questions, I agree with everyone else here. I don't think I can add anything else that has not already been said.

Maybe he has an attachment disorder. Kids that don't bond with someone pretty quickly after being born (ie a couple of months) can grow up to be really messed up and struggle because they have no empathy. Do you think he leads a secret life that nobody knows about or would be shocked to find out if they did know?

No, at the time, she was still living in the same country. It's different where she came from. Hiring a nanny was affordable (payment was made on a monthly basis), but daycare was not (only the rich could afford daycare). She literally worked FOR him. This might not seem like a good reason to leave your child, but at least she came and visited him once in a while and provided for him. She did not leave him in another's care because she wanted to - this was done due to the necessity at the time. I don't think she imagined that he would stay with his nanny until he was 12, but he became attached to her and her family. Like I said, she had odds and ends jobs (working days and nights), my wife was only 22 with barely any education. No family members were willing to help her. She only had herself and few friends.

I met his mother when he was about 6 or so. She and I married when was 8-9 (that's when she came to the United States). His biological father refused to sign the papers that would give us the custodian rights to bring him here. I don't know why, but his biological father must have regretted leaving him in the beginning. We went to court and we obtained the rights to the custody of the child. It took us a while to get the papers to bring him to the US. He was 10 years old then. However, his mother asked him if he wanted to come then, but he wanted to finish 6th grade first and we respected his wish. We waited until he was ready. Just a little note, it was a better choice to bring him here - he has a much better life and future here.

We asked him if he was happy with his nanny, and he said yes. He also thought that his mother made the right choice by leaving him to another's care, given the situation. Even though this was said, I don't think he sees his mother as his mother. In addition, we asked him about our decision to bring him to the US, and he said that he was very happy living and being here. In fact, our son became a US citizen when he turned 20. He was very proud of it.

My wife did what she had to do. She allowed another family who knows how to take care of him. I would not want to leave my child to another's care, either, unless it was out of necessity.

I don't think he ever realized how much we cared for him. As for him, it must have been painful to grow up without a real mother or a father figure - and that's what we tried to do when he arrived here.

What could I have done?

- Ross

When she was living in the same country, was she actually living with her child when she was not at work, or did the nanny and her family take him in and raise him from the time he was born, making him a part of their family? I'm sure she did what she thought was best at the time....I just wonder, does she STILL think it was the best idea?

Of course he became attached to the nanny and her family...they WERE his family, and his "mother" was a visitor in his life for twelve years. And then he was taken away from his family, the only safety and stability he knew, and brought to another country, where he lived with two virtual strangers who wanted to control his every move.

He said himself that he was happy with his nanny and her family....and from his actions, I would say it's clear he was NOT happy with you and his mother. Perhaps, in his situation, it would have been better to leave him in the only real home he had known, with the people he had bonded with as family. Being happy about living in the US is not, btw, being happy about living with you and your wife and the way you treated him.

You keep asking what you should have done, so I'm going to give it to you straight. You and your wife should have found out as much as possible about how he had been parented for the years he lived away from her....what he was allowed to do, what were his likes and dislikes, how did he spend his free time, etc....and then tried to keep his life and his routine as close to that as possible. Neither of you had any idea who he was, and you tried to force him into the mold of your expectations instead of letting him be an individual. So, as soon as he got away from you, to a place where he could truly BE himself, he chose to stay there and AWAY from the two of you....can you REALLY blame him for that?

great post Teresa